I'm A Baaaaaad Person

Well kinda, maybe....and maybe not.

Perhaps I did this in the vein of self preservation....but then again...I am a baaaaaaad person.

A couple of posts ago, I made mention that I was kinda messing with the idea of th old main squeeze....Welllll

I stayed away from that, noticing that he had many of the old behaviors that use to drive me nutts. Mainly he seemed to have many secrets. He use to always tell me that was just the way he was....

So last night as I was sitting in the quiet of a Sunday evening.....eeekkkks, I hacked his e-mail.

Yes I did.

I could of always done this, but I chose to not do it. I don't know what was different about last night...perhaps, I knew I was drifting back to something not so great...

Yup.....I was right. He's a big time player. All the things he would say to me, he says as part of his shtick.

At first I was mortified.....and I feel a tad guilty...but not all the way guilty.

I also feel pretty happy that I did not step back into that stuff again.

LOL...OMG.....can't believe I did that.

But now I know and I don't feel so bad....

We were....how do you say....seeing each other...for 5 years in a very strange kinda way.

I always knew in the back of my heart he was like that....I just never chose to confirm it.

Now I know....I'm wondering if this is a good thing or a bad thing....Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Our Week....

Poor Daisy has been having some emotional issues a false pregnancy...she runs around the house carrying a toy and whining at me...

So happy to say that I have fallen back into the zone...that means not using food as my security blanket, my "feel good" tool.

Finally I have gotten back into eating mean and lean. O boy....do I have long way to go. I got fat....

Its going to take months...but that's okay. I'm just happy to have some control back. The dowdies had indeed set in....and I'm back to the gym, which is crucial to my state of mind, and has returned to being somewhat more positive.

Still plugging away at the herb business. I have not had any real growth...but HEY that is not bad considering what is happening around us. Pretty scary times, and its paying my bills.

I just filled out the papers for my very last semester, most of the classes are clinic...I sit for the national board exams Jan or Feb...which means that I will be a national certified acupuncturist. Ahhhhhh....5 long years...

On to the next step...looking into PhD programs...thinking about oncology...Waiting to see where the wind blows me.

Its so hot here...wildfires are raging, and the earth feels scotched. We're lucky that San Diego has avoided the fires thus so far. Its such a strange time of year when it gets so dry and hot, feels like Dante's Inferno.

Nothing new on the housing front....stay tuned...never a dull moment here on Sassafras st.

Ya Just Can't Go Back...

I started flirting around with the idea of seeing my ole main squeeze.....Big Mistake.

I guess it is was the superficial side of me that was the motivating factor. He is turning 50 this month and in celebration he got himself in top notch shape and is doing a show to strut his renewed physique (he is an ex body builder). Yes indeed....he does look mighty tasty.

But none the less...we're the same people with the same views....that just don't jive, and I am feeling like I let myself get sucked back into a situation that could go no where, not that I wanted to go anywhere....because we can't agree on much at all...another mistake AGAIN.

I keep making bad judgments, and at some level I know I'm making these mistakes when I do it....I guess that's better than not knowing that I'm doing them...right?

Geez...some one call a shrink Pleeeeze!

Cracked Out

This is a pic off of my new crack berry...I love the thing, don't know how I lived without it. Haven't posted pictures of the pooches in awhile....

its from my crack berry.....it does everything, even has a game on it that I love to play. However I have become a slave to it....every time the message bell goes off, I have to run over to it and read the most current e-mail etc.

Great picture of Dr. Pink Pinkerton....I blog using him as my muse...and I refer to him as Dr. Pink Pinkerton and The PawHealer.....I have that other blog that I post pictures of our success stories....and I write as if I am Dr. Pink Pinkerton...it's very tongue and cheek...or at least I think so....

Anyway...I have to laugh...about every two weeks, someone will call and ask for Dr. Pink Pinkerton...heheheheheh.

I just tell them he's not in at the moment....

Whata night!

Wow...awesome....whata night to behold.

I have never been apart of any movement, and to be a part of this moment in history just drove me to tears...it was an awesome sight, just unbelievable and pretty darn neat.

Watching people crying in the crowds, listening to his words....just breath taking.

A remarkable evening I will always remember.

Election Day

Its feels like Christmas....all the hype and the hoopla.......and now its almost over.....THANK GOODNESS!

I am pretty excited to be a part of these times, its pretty neat....

So what's new with the PawHealing family.

We're hanging in here. We're still trying to figure out what's going on with the house and all of that. Mark finally found a lawyer that is representing other folks who got themselves into the same bind with this real estate deal and have been taken to the cleaners.

The Las Vegas news papers have been doing articles about the company that has robbed him (us). Still such bad decisions on his part, even when it looked like the deal was falling apart, the monetary decisions that he made.....spending every last dime until there was not a penny left, and not being able to see the road he was traveling....pitiful...for all of us.

The lawyer is throwing the seven properties in a case of mortgage fraud, which it was. The case is also potentially being bumped up to a class action law suit.....

Although there is a tad of a glimmer of hope for me.....it still feels very strange to walk around a house that I have owned for 13 years, and not know if it will be mine in the next 9 months.

It's so complicated, sometimes I think the best answer is to just walk away from the mess, and move on.....

I do have to admit since I have lived here, my life experiences have not been my "top ten"....I can't decided if I want to stay here because that's what I have done for the last 13 years and its familiar....and I do have a love for this house....although when I think back....it has not been a great time....

Or is it that I can't see myself anywhere else? I don't think it's fear, I think it's a comfort zone type of thing.

Honestly, I feel for the past seven years I have been somewhat frozen in time...not much has changed...

Is that good or bad?

The Journey

Today I have to go down to Mexico...I go there to see the dentist....and they do a great job for a fraction of the cost....

Now we have to have a birth certificate to cross the border...I have mine sitting on the counter ready to go...

I happen to be looking at it, and I read it. My mom had me when she was 19 years old, and my dad was 21 at the time.

As I was looking at the little piece of paper, it occurred to me what strangers those people are.

They were so young at the time of my birth, just kids really. And yet to me, these were the people who were to take care of me, make sure I was all right...

Knowing them now, I can see that was an impossible task.

They just were not equipped, they were too young, and just not the right parents to have.

How strange to look at a piece of paper, knowing that it represents the day you were brought into this world.

Now I look at this paper and reflect back in time, when I was younger I use to look at this document and think about all of the possibilities that lie before me.

Seems to me I'm either looking back or looking forward...and never do I just look at the here and now, I'm never in the moment.

Saturday Night...

Mid Terms for me again....this is one of two semesters left....and then I'm done...kinda.

Once an acupuncturist finishes school, it takes about another 250 study hours in order to prepare for the state exam...IF one should decide to stay in the state of California...which I may not. I would just have to take the national exam and...wha laa...I'm an acupuncturist...Done...a five year journey...completed.

I am seriously considering moving to Florida when I compete my Masters...why? Because I can go there and practice on animals...clinic and all...but then again...I don't know.

I feel sad that I have to make this choice since my home is up in the air...I'm still not sure where this is going...but feels like down the tubes....but I don't want to dwell on that.....I figure I have about five more months here.

So I ask my self....if you could go anywhere in the wold where would you want to go....because I can do ya know....There is NOTHING holding me here....I am lost from my family, I don't have one anymore, and I guess I never really did....I don't have a significant other...well kinda, but it can't go anywhere and its been on hold for awhile...but he still is on the outskirts of the parameters...waiting for the word. Not sure if he will ever hear it again...sigh.....who knows.

I've become a loner...just like my mother. Thanks mom.

So...here I sit, me and my book and my sleeping dogs....On a Saturday night....would I have it any different?

I don't think so....I like things just the way they are.

Yikes...How Did THAT happen?

E Gads.....what a mess.......okay...starting about early July after I get the bad news....Something just went awry....I found the local Yogurt shop.

This isn't any ole place that you go in and someone serves you...this is a special place where you get to make up your own dish of delectable frozen yogurt....they have about 100 different toppings....my mouth is watering just thinkin' about it.

My favorite mixture consisted of chocolate, white chocolate, some nifty candies, snickers toppings, and of course whipped cream to finish it off.

I knew things were getting away from me when I so easily chucked my scale and put it under the sink....or perhaps it was when I started avoiding certain clothes...

None the less...every night I was going over to the yogurt place and have two double larges.

Ummmmmm....Thought if I didn't eat anything else during the day I could get away with it, and there I say savoring every bite of my double large frozen Yogurts and then with my full tummy climbing into bed for a good night sleep. And of course I had stopped going to the gym.

So this goes on until mid August.....Okay...maybe it was my way of drowning my sorrows...but the stuff was good, and I mean really good. There was no way I could stop myself.

Then one day I happened to look down...and what I saw appalled me...I had OVERNIGHT developed this enormous belly.....and people were starting to ask me questions like "hey Holly, ya still working out?".....hmmmmm, I was starting to get the drift.

I was living in stretchy gym shorts that had a lot of give....and ya know when your putting on weight you just KNOW what clothes to avoid...until that one certain day...when it all comes home...

I went to put on a pair of pants.....I could not get them over my fat ass....SHIT! I had to put on at least 15 lbs...

So here I am.....trying to wean myself off of my nightly Milky Way bars and get serious again about taking care of myself...

Dumpy and goin' broke...ya gotta love it!

Caring Again

I got some shocking news way back in June...actually I think I had a premonition of it coming...I even blogged about it....I heard this voice that said..."big things are getting ready to happen". I even wrote it down after I woke up from that nap that should of served as a warning...but me.. I took this as wonderful things were going to happen, because at that time, so many things seemed to be going so right.

HA! Big is the operative word here.....Big LOSES!

My ex-partner (husband) who I had stayed fiscally intertwined with all these years (35 long years to be exact).....manage to loose everything we own because of his foolish real estate speculations.

Yes....everything. So here I am at 52 years old, with basically not a thing to my name. I'm sure that within 6 months that I will lose my house. He leveraged everything so much, that the current house payments are not worth making and it would be like putting money in a trash can and burning it.

Every day is a day where I try to figure out where I'll be in 8 months...

Its so sad for me because I love my house, I have lived here for 15 years, and its just being ripped away from me.

So...how did this guy get the money out of MY house? Very long story, had to do with my melt down that was 6 years ago, yes and that time was my mistake, my bad decisions.

But I have another way of looking at the whole thing and moving on and feeling good about where I'm going;

If I did not do what I had to do back then....I would of lost it then. At the time of my great sadness (3 miscarriages later and a boyfriend who ditched me), my brother who is a multi millionaire would not load me money while I sold my house. I asked him to bridge loan me 50K while my house sold, and as I was pulling my life back together. He refused because his wife has never liked me. A secured loan and he said no....(remind me to blog about how he had me picked up by the police and put into a 72 hour crazy ward, which forever changed my life and how I think about myself)

So I had no other options at the time...I had to take the path that I did, which was to trust my ex with my assets, I really had no other choice.....

and at the end of the day this gamble did not pay off.....BUT....

I can look at it two ways....

I can say that I've lost everything....or I can think that I had 5 years in which to find another path....and that everything going forward is of my own making....(and I do have a bright future, my pet empire is thriving and makes a very good living)

This would be for the first time in my life.....That it is only me and living with my own mistakes. (fiscal decisions without a f....king man in the mix)

Some days I'm bitter and angry and others I am free and liberated.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.....